now i know.

it was freezing cold outside, and it was late as well, somewhere along the wee hours of Saturday morning.

i felt slightly tipsy but i knew my bed would never forgive me if i spent hours on her dirty, so i hastily kicked off my boots and socks and stepped into the bathroom.

the warm spray of water that greeted me in the shower felt nothing short of heavenly. it was like for a moment i had attained nirvana. the drops swelled over my body and drenched me with the much needed warmth that i had desperately seeked the whole day. all i knew was that if the water stopped, bad things would happen. it was as though i was trapped in a sweet dream which had the option of turning into a nightmare the moment the down pour stopped.

i have no idea how long i stood in the shower for but it felt like eternity. my mind was just blanked out from the alcohol and i was just enjoying the warm embrace. it simply felt too good to leave.

at last when i realized i had used up way too much water for my own good, i decided that it was enough.

the highlight of the night wasn't the fantastic food from the pot luck or the alcohol or even the company. it wasn't even the long nap i had. it was just the time i spent in my own numbness standing in front of my shower head and savoring each second.

like for the brief moment in time, i was at peace with myself and everyone else in the world. like nothing mattered, like thoughts were mere vessels of demoralization, like words were unseen daggers that should never be used especially the ones that have been left unsaid.

i empathize with the people who have to resort to extreme means to find this sense of numbness. but thank god i don't have to go to such an extent.

i always have my awesome showers.